Loser News

Hey everybody, it’s me Ted!  And it’s time for another installment of Killin’ Things With Ted.  Ya know, the other day a friend of mine was watching the Oxygen channel, so I made a clever jest about his questionable masculinity and awaited the customary defensive response.  When none was offered, I delved deeper into the conundrum by inquiring as to the purpose of his actions.  And his reply was, “I was just killing time”.

Now, as you all know, I’ve killed near every species known to man; koala, beaver, gecko, duckling, and celebrity-vampires, to name a few, but I was sorely vexed at the thought of killing “time”.  How does one put a bullet between the eyes of time?  What does time taste like?  Can it be made into jerky?

Fortunately, whilst I pondered stalking and killing the most elusive of all quarries, I happened into a CVS to purchase some feminine hygeine items for the Mrs.  As I passed the magazine rack, my gaze lightly carressed the most recent issue of Sno-Mobilin’, and right beside it sat a poorly placed issue of Time magazine.

It seemed a sign from God, Bono, and Dr. Phil all in one, and I knew at that precise moment what I must do.  Hence, I began preparation for perhaps the greatest killcation of my existence.  The quest for the Red & Blue North American Starophant.

To be continued…