Loser News

Hey everybody!! This is Ted! Like most of you, I took Christmas off from killin’ in order to partake in the warm glow of love and peace ushered in by the birth of our Lord and Savior.

But at 12:01 AM on December 26, I was back in the killin’ saddle with a throat parching, destructive, life stealing thirst to quench. So, after plugging me three or four neighborhood cats with the new twenty-two that Jesus told the Mrs. to buy me, I just sat there in the silence of that brisk winter night.

I stared up into the bright starlit sky, through the mist of steam wafting up from the feline carcasses scattered around me, and I said to myself, “I didn’t bring enough ammo.”