Loser News

Greetings beloved brothers and sisters. It’s been a doozie of a year at Mother Mary Cathedral of Holy Communion!! 

Sister Susie’s bake sale brownie incident was less disastrous than first feared.  Only two people died, and as they were both Protestant, the Holy Father forgave her and we hid the bodies in a parishioner’s crawl space.

We had a minor hiccup with the Bingo schedule in the spring when, for several weeks, we had no winner, and later realized that Bingo caller, Sister Margaret, was dyslexic.

In June, several young pranksters lit a bag of canine fecal matter ablaze on the doorstep of the sanctuary.  I pray daily that the Lord will strike them down in his all consuming wrath.

In November, the youth ministry launched it’s annual Teen Fair entitled Skippin’ Da’ Purgy.  Noted guest speakers were Joe Rogan, Tina Yothers, and Spike Lee, who replaced Charles Nelson Riley after his untimely demise.  Several teens attended. 

Bishop Wentworth is still in the hospital being treated for his urinary tract infection.  The ladies auxilliary recently had a bake sale which grossed over $9. And both of our African American parishioners participated in the special Kwanzaa Eve services, led by guest-priest, Louis Farrakhan.

Happy New Year, my children.

Father Tim