Loser News

  Ya know, I usually leave this sports stuff to the professionals, like Finley, Madden, and Herb Alpert, but in this case I have to make an exception.  See, there’s this kid in the Olympics that’s like breaking every record there is and winning all the races and making the Chinese people want to kill all the “round eyes”. 

(And hey, don’t get me started on that picture of the Spanish basketball team trying to look Asian by pulling at the corners of their eyes.  That’s all I hear!  How “insensitive” the players were, and how it would have just taken one person to put a stop to it.  Hey, they didn’t throw a pregnant woman off a bridge!  They made a silly face!!  If that’s a crime, Jim Carrey should have been put to death ten years ago, and there wouldn’t be a Labor Day telethon!)

But I digress…

Anyway, this Phelps kid swims faster than anybody in the world, including most fish, has like 70 medals, and a humungoid Long John Silver’s contract, so I figure there’s only one plausible explanation. Michael Phelps is Namor.