Loser News

I know what you’re saying.  “Volcanoes aren’t my friends!”  Well, that’s where you’re wrong.

Ya’ know, of the 1500 active volcanoes in the world today, none of them has ever sold drugs to my grandma, stabbed my dog, or called me a derogatory, ethnic slur. So why do they get such a bad rap? Let’s take a look.

Volcanoes have been around since some time in the 80’s. J.K., J.K.!! They’ve been around a darn sight longer than that. In fact, scientists say that 93 million years ago an undersea volcanic eruption caused the death of several species of undersea invertebrates, which created huge oil deposits so we could drive our car.

As a bonus, this huge underwater explosion increased vegetation on the land, which allowed the terrestrial creatures to flourish…until they were all killed off by another volcanic eruption or a comet, or by evil genies. Anyway, science says we were just polli-wogs or monkey-people at the time, so we shouldn’t hold a grudge.

The eruption did, however, cause global warming, and as Tori Spelling can tell you, that’s a bummer.  Fortunately, 88 million years later, another eruption occurred which destroyed everything for miles and miles, but science says this one actually caused a global cooling.

So now, we have all these cars that are burning fossil fuels that the volcanoes created, and which scientists say are destroying the universe. Luckily, we have our friends the volcanoes to counteract our heinous “carbon footprint”…or shoeprint, if you will.

And all that proves one thing.  Science is broke and, possibly, slightly retarded.  Thank goodness we have volcanoes!