Loser News

Spokane- Suburban housewife, Mirna Stroup, was crowned National 2021 Simon-Says Champion this week after one of the closest races in decades.  Stroup, who took third in nationals in 2019, says she was extremely disappointed after not placing in the 2020 competition.

“I thought I had it in the bag, ” she said, recalling last year’s loss, “but I got a severe case of diarrhea in the semi-finals.  Simon definitely didn’t say to do what I did.”

Aware that competition would only get steeper within an increasingly compliant western culture, she decided to shake things up to get the edge she needed for another shot at the gold. 

“I cut out dairy and joined a gym,” she explains.  “Plus, I got one of them massage pillows with the balls inside of it.”

And her efforts paid off.  During the last round, after reigning champion, Mark Stueber, touched his nose without Simon saying, Stroup pulled off a move that fans of the sport thought all but impossible.

“The difficulty level of  the ‘Simon-says-drive-with-your-eyes-closed-with-your-glasses-on-your-head-and-a-mask-under-your-chin-and-stick-a-Qtip-in-your-nose-while-your-passenger-steers’ is extremely high,” explained Arnie Frost, Commissioner of the ASSA.  “But she nailed it.  She’s a true champion.”