Loser News

Southern California’s bighorn sheep population is flourishing, according to a census of bighorn sheep conducted in November. Scientists speculate this is due, primarily, to rampant promiscuity among the Golden State’s Ovis Canadensis demographic.

Wildlife biologist, Jerry Davenport, of the California Department of Fish and Wildlife, was “way juiced” at recording 588 sheep this year.

“Sure, they look a lot alike, and we couldn’t get them to stand still, but we’re pretty confident in our numbers.”

The survey was conducted over several days. Helicopters flew over the bighorn sheep’s habitat from the northern edge of the San Jacinto Mountains to the Mexican border.

“Some of the guys kept confusing Mexicans running through the brush for longhorns”, Davenport observed, “but after a couple of days, they figured it out.”

The bighorn sheep is a protected animal, per Davenport, and the greatest threats to its survival are development within its habitat and myocardial infarctions cause by repeated helicopter flyovers.