Loser News

My name’s Phiscoll, Cliff Phiscoll. Lately I’ve been hearing a bunch of rhubarb about how I’m going to ruin the country come January 1st. Well, that’s a bunch of crap.

First off, I’ll probably be a little out of sorts from waking up on the bathroom floor in a pool of Scotch and stomach bile to actually get much more done than finding my pajama bottoms and keeping down a couple Advil.

Plus, since Stella left again last week; this time with the aerobics instructor at 24 Hour Fitness, I’ve been eating a lot of beans and, consequently, spending larger increments of my days squatting on the processed bean receptacle. I got no time to dick around with Americans’ taxes, unless I figure out a way to do it while sitting on the pot.

And I realize I have an Associates Degree in Business Finance, but I don’t think that qualifies me to be screwing around with people’s money. Cripes, if I had those kinds of money management skills, I probably wouldn’t be stealing office supplies from work and selling them on E-Bay.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, you have nothing to worry about, America. Ole Cliff’s got enough on his plate. Maybe if I get my crap together by Easter I can ruin your lives then.