Loser News

A huge satellite containing an insane woman, a lizard, and several children is falling slower than expected, and may now plummet to Earth somewhere over the United States tonight or early Saturday.

“There is a low probability any debris that survives re-entry will land in the United States,” NASA officials wrote in a status update Friday morning, “but you just never know with satellites.”

Earlier this week, scientists’ calculations indicated the satellite would land in the ocean. Using a complex mathematical formula (.71 x 100) they were able to discern that the space debris was most likely to impact in the aquatic regions covering 71% of the planet.

“Mind you, we’re just spit balling here,” NASA Administrator, Charles Bolden, admitted. “I have twenty on Davenport, Iowa, but Lori (Deputy Administrator Lori Garver) and the nerd herd think it’s going to strike Tokyo because they’re ‘just having that kind of year’.”

Regardless of where it hits, cults and looneys will be amputating body parts and mixing Kool-Aid well into the night.