Loser News

Remember when the Earth was only two billion years old and then a few years later it was four billion years old? Well, this is weirder still. Astrobiologists have found a microbe that utilizes arsenic in some functions that were thought to only run on phosphorus. I’m super cereal!!

Phosphorus is essential to the manufacture of DNA and RNA in living organisms, while arsenic is a carcinogen that atttacks the nervous system and can cause death depending on the dosage. Thus, they are completely interchangeable. 

Astrobiology is the study of biological lifeforms on other planets throughout the universe. However, since there aren’t really any extra-planetary lifeforms to study, Astrobiologists gets super bored. Therefore, this find is very exciting for scientists in the field because it almost justifies their existence and the millions of dollars they’ve received from NASA, which is funded by Congress, which is funded by the Federal Government, which is funded by you, the taxpayer. And the timing couldn’t be better with law makers currently waffling over NASA’s 20 million dollar annual budget.

Just like the mysterious deep sea squid-worm discovered last week, this chemically challenged bacteria has convinced scientists that they can now track down those elusive extraterrestrials lurking in the deepest corners of the universe…with radios. Just because we don’t know a lot of things about our own planet shouldn’t deter us from assuming we know everything about other planets we haven’t even visited.

In fact, since Astrobiology has been so successful, I’ve decided to create my own scientific research field called Leprechonolgy. If I can find a pot of gold and a four-leaf clover, I think PETA will give me a huge grant…with which I could buy a sweet spoiler for my Datsun B210 Hatchback!