Loser News

Boo-Yah, sports fans!!  Scott Finley here with another installment of Loser Sports!  Free agency mania has gripped the basketball world like Rosie O’Donnell on the world’s last corn dog, and the Finster’s here to break it all down.

Douche-bags, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh have both signed on with the Miami Heat for the rest of time to underwhelm the Cubans and retirees that forget not to attend their games.  Despite their dual douchicity, Pat Reilly may still be able to squeeze a play-off birth out of his overly-hyped group of roundball miscreants.

Amare Stoudemire signed with the New York Knicks who still actually have a basketball team despite what you may have heard.  As they’re paying him too much money, they’ve had to let their one actual “good” player go, and reports say David Lee will ironicallly sign with the Suns.  Unfortunately, the irony will be lost on Knicks who will be spending all their free time trying to figure out how to defend in the paint.

Carlos Boozer made his move to the Windy City, teaming up with last years rookie sensation, Derrick Rose, and defensive dynamo, Joakim Noah.  Oddly, I have no snide remarks to insert.  Chicago will win the East next year.

No word yet on Lebron James, who has scheduled an hour long special to announce his choice.  I suspect retirement, but sources say he’ll foolishly stay with the Cavs, despite Chicago’s robust roster and Jay-Z’s promise to give him Beyonce if he plays for the Nets.