Loser News

Greetings. I am called Eades. For years I have studied the way of ninja. I have traveled far and sought out the greatest masters of the dark art, yet it was not until I met Master Beaudrie that I truly came to know what it was to be ninja.

He of the Many Stickered Lunch Box taught me a multitude of lethal ninja skills, but the greatest of these was the Way of the Smock. I practiced the move many long years, until each intricate movement was as familiar to me as my daily application of Curl Activator.

I also mastered The Crane, Quart of Blood Technique, and Atomic Skull Crusher on my path to ninjessence, but alas it was all for naught. For one day my master told me to leave, that I was “harshing his proverbial buzz”, and that I ate too much and was dipping into his Metamucil. I felt abandoned and angry, and made the customary Ninja Vow of Vengeance, signifying my ire by beating his lunch box into submission with the same pair of Rubba-Chucks he had himself given me.

 Thus, I now dedicate my every waking moment (except for the ones where I’m making soft-core BOP karate shorts) to destroying the one who dashed my hopes and tinkled on my dreams…