Loser News

I am totally going to file a class action suit against GE, AT&T, and the FOX Network for trying to make me burn my face off.

See, I was watching the dramatic conclusion of House, and Cuddy was seriously p.o.’d at House because he took 100mg of Mycropizine from the pharmacy without supervisory authorization.  Rest assured, House got his way and totally cured a daytime soap actor while subsequently ostricizing his peers.  It was awesome.

I’d been pressing my uniform up until the witty banter and taut sexual tension of TV’s 212th favorite rated show drew me in like grandpa to the bug zapper. So when the phone rang, I was a bit caught up in the moment and mistakenly answered the iron.

I soon realized what I’d done, but had to wait ten minutes before the iron cooled enough for me to pull it away without losing an ear and several layers of cheek skin.

I was SO steamed (pardon the pun)!! How could these mega-corporations be so irresponsible?!? I mean, the iron is white, the phone is white. The iron is plastic, the phone is plastic. The iron has a cord, the phone…well, it’s cordless, but it’s still white and plastic!!

Needless to say, I’m calling Sam Bernstein in the morning. He specializes in personal injury law and won this one guy two million dollars, and he’ll work for you!!