Loser News

Remember when the universe exploded and made people and giraffes and a completely self contained ecosystem capable of providing for every life form contained therein, and Beanie Babies? Little did we know back then that that same world would one day face destruction by the very mankind it somehow created out of a tadpole and a bolt of lightning.

Where it got the tadpole, I do not know. But today we do know that burning dead dinosaur remains is neither responsible or fun. The .6 degrees rise in temperature over the last several years has all but sentenced us to a hot and sticky, putrid, hot, smelly demise.

But that’s not all. Evidently, temperatures on Mars and Pluto are also on the rise, and you know who they’re going to blame for that, don’t you?!? That’s right. Us. Mankind. The universal scourge. No wonder the Decepticons came to destroy us last year. Thank God for Shia Lebouf.

So, scrap any plans you had of moving to Mars or Pluto when the Earth dries up. They’re off limits, as per a galactic ordinance enforced by the minions of Admiral Nnorg, Overseer of the Solar System Security Force Rangers.