Loser News

Pssst!!  It’s me, Ted.  I’m whispering because I’m sitting near a mountain spring, in a thicket in the Grand Teton Mountain Range, watching a mother moose suckle her young calf.  As I stare out at the beauty of the wild, I gain a clear glimpse of the majesty of nature, and my place in it.  I am Ted…and I kill things.

Which brings us to another installment of Killin’ Things With Ted.  Now, when that mother moose is done feeding and drifts off to sleep, I’m going to head on over there and kill me a baby moose.  I can almost taste it now.  Slipping those little ribs off the Hibachi.  Biting into that succulent spicy mini-moose meat, so tender it almost melts in your mouth before you can even start chewing.  Oh crap, I’m getting saliva in my beard.

Anyway, I know you’re saying, “Ted!  How can you even think of doing such a thing?!?  Don’t you know how aggressive a mother moose is?  You could get hurt!”  Well, don’t you worry, America.  I’ve got it all under control.  I’m going to shoot mama so full of tranquilizers she won’t know up from lima beans. 

Happy Killin’!!